I wasn’t proud of who I was this past weekend. I said a lot of things. I felt a lot of things. My emotions took over any rational thought of mine. And then we broke up. And I felt so numb.
But we stayed up until 2am last night talking. Not online, not through text or email. But talked face to face.. Which seems like the first time. And it’s only in the dark that I felt safe to talk. So he couldn’t see my face. I get really nervous. And scared when I speak. I hide behind my text messages but with my actual voice … I don’t think I would ever SAY-SAY those things to Andre. When Andre lets me talk… Without interrupting… It makes me feel heard. Like what I say is actually being heard. That felt a lot better.
I want to change and be better. I want to make sure Andre stays with me. I don’t want to push him away and I hope I never behave that way again. I just want the strength to do so.
I was so tired at work today and was sad knowing Andre was at home alone with Monty. He picked me up and dropped me off at home before starting his 2 hour drive back to Mississauga at night. When I opened my door, I dropped everything and found a post-it note that said have a good week and look under your tree. I thought that was very sweet and heartwarming he put it under my tree after what I said… And I drank his tea immediately and tried his pen right away. Although I think I might use my fingers. 10 styluses!
I also gave Andre the second part of his gift which was a poster of the taxonomy of rap names…Which cost 4 times how much I bought his pulp fiction poster. I don’t think he liked it tho. But a costco member came in with it this past summer and I thought it was something Andre would like. I asked the member where he got it and I’ve kept the website in my mind forever. This christmas I thought I would give it to him. But I don’t think he liked it. I wish I got him the electric pad instead.
I know andre is sweet and very caring. But sometimes I want Andre to be more thoughtful. I told him this about my parents. I really hope he can accept my family as his one day.. Oh I gave my brother the ripleys aquarium tickets as a thank you for driving me. This was when I thought you and I would never get the chance to go together. I also want more consistent dates… Nothing expensive like a fancy dinner. But maybe a planned movie. I really liked watching 24/7 about the leafs over fast food. Believe it or not, I felt like it was the old days and it was a date. One of those dates when we both had costco incomes and no worries the next day. I know I can’t have it all the time but if there’s a chance I want us to take advantage of it.
I know this is my holiday… But I can’t help but feel like I can’t wait for these holidays to be over. I’m already tired of working. I can’t seem to catch a break. I know I just spent a week at home but I did write a paper a majority of it before handing it on Friday and being miserable on the weekend… I really wish we spent the weekend together in happiness… Bcus we aren’t gonna have a weekend like that in a long long time… Once costco is over, school starts. I have classes Monday, Tuesday and Thursdays now.
I am falling asleep… I hope tomorrow will be a better day than today. And it only keeps getting better.